Watching pennies (OK, maybe dollars). Following all the rules – even if they are really stupid. Participating in family events you don’t want to attend. Pretending to be friends with someone you don’t really like. Denying reality – especially when it only puts off something painful you really don’t want to deal with now. And this list could go on and on. Why do we do these things?
The simple answer is fear. Fear doesn’t only mean that feeling we get when adrenalin is pumping over the terror we get when something really bad is about to happen. You know that feeling – when your car is careening out of control with you in it, you are skiing down a slope too steep for your skills and you can’t stop, someone just pulled a gun out and is pointing in your general direction… That is fear – and if measured on a fear scale it would be “terror”. Up near the top. But there are other fears that are more subtle. We are so used to denying our own feelings, perhaps because we are bombarded constantly, that we’ve grown numb to the subtle feelings. I know I have been there and I am now recovering. Subtle fear is pervasive and so harmful. We act on it all the time without even knowing we are doing it.
On the low end of the fear scale you might find “resistance” to anything. Your boss asks you to do something you think is wrong, but you do it anyway. You felt resistance to doing it because you were afraid of the consequences from doing something wrong (or stupid, or uncaring, etc.). That resistance came from a more subtle fear. OK – so that’s obvious. What about a fear that many men share. We won’t do “girly” things because we might appear less of a man. Don’t like chick flicks? Why not? Many of them are truly good stories with an opportunity to let emotions emerge. I love them. Does that make me a prissy guy? Maybe to some it does. So what. I am me, not what someone else prefers as his or her ideal image of a man.
When I remarried my new wife and I shared each others last names. Hers is first followed by a hyphen and mine is second. I felt fear over that. Would I lose my identity? Would people who have known me for years suddenly lose track of me? Would I have to start all over building my professional reputation? The fear was there and it felt real. Now, some 5+ years later I’ve found that exactly the opposite has happened. By not giving power to that fear I brought on a whole new set of experiences and they have all turned out positively.
Fear is your friend. Fear is like a signpost showing you what is going to be “new” to you. New experiences give you the opportunity to break from your past, your habits, your boredom, your judgments, your pain, etc. Try something new. Choose regardless of the fear. That doesn’t mean go out and choose something harmful, unless of course that is your intent. Choose something new, something that is a little bit scary at first. Go ahead – try para-sailing. Try scuba diving. Go parachuting. Take up skiing. Ask that girl you’ve been secretly admiring out. Tell someone close that you love them. Have fun, even if it’s a bit naughty. Go ahead – start living. Fear will help you see what you are missing. Go for it.
Have all the fear you can. And then use it to choose something new.
Jim Reyes-Picknell, jim@choosefreely.com
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